December 20, 2008

Top Five Sexy Zombies


Vampires certainly get their fair share of sexy treatment in the movies, but few people have reflected upon the sex appeal of zombies. It's not easy to do, considering it requires adding some new words to your definition of sexy -- words like necrotic, roadkill, and pussy. No, not that! "Pus-y," as in "containing or resembling the thick, opaque, yellowish-white fluid known as pus." Boy, we're off to a classy start already

Keeping in mind that any discussion of sexy zombies is bound to be twisted, let's get this train wreck rolling. Join me as we count down the top five zombies who are bringing sexy back (from the dead).

5.) Julie Walker from Return of the Living Dead 3

In Return of the Living Dead 3 (1993), teen rebel Julie, played by Melinda Clarke (The O.C.), is killed in a motorcycle accident. Her boyfriend Curt sneaks her body into the military base where his father works to create zombies for the military by exposing corpses to 2-4-5 Trioxin gas. After a shot of the gas, Julie is alive and like her old self, until she starts to crave human flesh and get all bitey!

SEX APPEAL

In many of her roles, Melinda Clarke has used to her advantage the fact that she is hot in an unearthly and dangerously feline way. On Xena she played a villainous Amazon warrior, on CSI she played the owner of a Vegas Fetish Club, and on Firefly she was a kick-ass brothel owner. Her appeal comes from the fact that she looks exquisitely dangerous. In ROTLD 3, you can look at her, but you can't touch her unless you want to lose your fingers. She's also a rebel bad-girl who just wants to tear everyone up. Guys like bad girls too. Unfortunately, these same seductive qualities soon lead to ...

THE 'ICK' FACTOR

... extreme body modification. The concept of 'look but don't touch' is taken to extremes with zombie Julie. Julie soon finds that only extreme pain will keep her craving for flesh in-check. As a result, in a particular gruesome scene (see the Youtube clip below), she pierces and carves up her body, turning herself into a terrifying S&M pincushion of nails, spikes, glass, and blades. Bladed nipples anyone? Blargh! I find the scene quite unnerving when shes pulls that metal chain through her neck. Pinhead, eat your bondaged heart out.




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4.) Lillith and Sox from Zombie Strippers

Jay Lee's Zombie Strippers (2008) stars mainstream porn star Jenna Jameson and horror alumn Robert Englund (aka. Freddy Krueger). Perhaps it is no surprise that movie is a turd, but it is at times a sleazily alluring turd. The movie fails on many levels but it is on this list because the movie wastes no time getting to the gratuitous nudity and stripper action, which is sexy in the most basic, shameful way possible (take that as a compliment if you must)

SEX APPEAL

Roxy Saint (a punk rocker / actress) and Penny Drake (a super-tall model and current crush object) are outstanding as zombie strippers and in particularly titillating performances while looking disturbingly hot as zombies. Forget Jenna Jameson. Even before Jenna becomes a zombie in the film, her real life plastic surgeries and anorexic body frame have turned her into enough of a ghoul. Roxy Saint and Penny Drake, however, are both gruesome and enticing in a serpentine way, especially in the scene where they exact revenge on their sleazy boss (Englund) by means of a deadly lap dance. The film seems to be trying to make a point about how the women are degraded by their boss who more or less forces them to become zombies to attract more men to the strip club (yeh, it's a weird movie), so their revenge is disgustingly satisfying.

THE 'ICK' FACTOR

Besides the fact that they are goopy zombie strippers who gorily eviscerate each other and their male clients, the image of unead stripper corpses is enough to remind me of all the real strippers who end up dead or abused in this sad world. Oh, Buzz kill.

Moving on...

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3.) Trash from Return of the Living Dead (1985)


The first entry in the ROTLD series also brought us one of the screen's sexiest zombies, a punk girl named Trash (scream queen Linnea Quigley).

SEX APPEAL

Trash has the dangerous, unpredictable punk girl thing going for her, but also something more compelling: Legwarmers.

After Trash and her punk amigos discuss the worst way to die, Trash then starts ripping off her own clothes and dancing on top of a grave for no apparent reason. Exploitive? Yeah. Unnecessary? Absolutely. Sexy? Yes! Why?

As I said: Leg warmers. I don't know why, but something about the fact that she wears nothing but leg warmers.

Eventually, poor Trash is attacked by zombies, but then rises (still nude) as a pale zombie. Thankfully, the leg warmers are intact. Even her zombie attackers know a good thing when they see it!

THE 'ICK' FACTOR

When Trash returns as a zombie, her face becomes a giant gnarled puppet that eats a homeless man. Cheque please!

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2.) My Zombie Pin-up Calendar Girls

Several twisted and talented San Francisco artists are selling a Zombie Pin-up calendar featuring twelve months of lovely, lifeless ladies in what is described as zombified Gil Elvgren cheesecake pin-ups (http://www.myzombiepinup.com/). The results are probably the most beautiful a woman can look with open flesh wounds.

SEX APPEAL

First of all, the photography and the girls are beautiful, and the make-up and digital effects are top-notch. Most of all, these photos are fun. Evoking the retro pin-up art of yesteryear, these images showcase a tongue-in-cheek exuberance for the chaos of the body (they're all messed up). The photos also offer a splash of satire by inserting gruesome images into good old fashioned and wholesome environments like the swimming hole and the farm. Unlike other ghoulish fare such as Zombie Strippers, the My Zombie Pin-up calendar balances the shocking with the amusing and the alluring without becoming too nasty and degrading. The My Zombie Pin-up calendar is done in the same bawdy spirit in which many Zombie Walks are conducted today.

THE 'ICK' FACTOR

That blood is going to really stain all that lovely cashmere.

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1.) Living Dead Girlz Zombie Dance Troupe

Also from San Francisco hails the sexiest group of zombies to grace the stage: the Living Dead Girlz. The Living Dead Girlz are a zombie dance troupe led by Amber Steele of the Steele Dance Company. Here's how they describe themselves at http://www.livingdeadgirlz.com/

The Living Dead Girlz is first and foremost a dance troupe, paying homage to the zombie horror film genre, with its roots in splatter theater.

The LDG maintains a touch of George Romero's use of zombies as symbols of commercialism with a rambunctious tounge-in-cheek attitude, event-stopping energy and irreverently bloody antics.

Each Living Dead Girlz show creates a story through extensive choreography, props and prosthetics. With an exceedingly ironic musical twist, the Living Dead Girlz shows utilize commercial-jazz choreography, with break dancing, hip-hop and the occasional afro-haitian movement, line dance or period-specific partner dance appropriate to the show
SEX APPEAL

Suggestive dancing? Irony? Splatter? Zombies? Beautiful women? What more do I have to say.

Just look at these videos, which speak louder than words.

The first is their demo reel:



The second is called "Brains," an incredibly funny spoof of Liam Sullivan's "Shoes":



THE 'ICK' FACTOR

They want to eat your heart out. And you know what, I am totally okay with that.
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Well, that's the world of sexy zombies. My research into the world of sexy zombies has been an enlightening and disturbing one. Before we finish up, I have some (dis)honorable mentions to name, but I will preference them with a piece of advice. One phrase you never want to type into Google: ZOMBIE PORN. Rob Rotten, owner of Punx Productions, has created a porno movie called Porn of the Dead in which cannibalism meets blowjobs. If you don't shudder a bit at the thought of that, you've spent too many hours losing your soul on the darker fringes of the internet. Also, 2004 saw the release of Re-Penetrator, a porno spoof of Re-Animator from Burning Angel, directed by Doug Sakmann. I'll credit Re-Penetrator for the clever title, but I am not willing to watch either of these two movies based on the stills I've seen. I'm not willing to stretch my definition of sexy that far!

Got something to add? Leave a comment below or e-mail me at zedwordblog@gmail.com.