August 24, 2009

Solving the Zombie Food Crisis: A Photo Essay


It is the common bond we share with the zombies. While we flock to the drive-thru and all-you-can-eat buffets to stuff our greasy faces with burgers and fries and macaroni salad, the undead flock to our homes to stuff their rotting faces with our brains and intestines. The difference, however, is that while we are at least attempting to maintain a sustainable food source, the zombies are not. They will eat until nothing is left, but they'll never starve and die out as we would. Therefore, the zombie food crisis is a threat to us all.

However, I may have finally solved the zombie food crisis after an eventful trip to the local dollar store. BEHOLD

GROWING BODY PARTS. A growing brain to be precise. Could it be true? Could such a brain grow 600% its original size? If so, we could have the potential to manufacture synthetic brains and feed 600% more zombies with every organ. The premise sounds unbelievable, so I decided to put the package's claims to the test. First, we must examine the original brain size via highly unscientific methods.


The brain is obviously a prototype as it is not human-sized. The brain, before treatment, is roughly palm-sized and incredibly hard. Since I don't have any zombie test subjects and we are trying to solve the zombie food crisis, it is imperative we test the taste of the brain before and after treatment.

You know, it looks kind of tasty.

Oh wait. What's this?

Good advice. Okay. First rule of science: read directions.
Now, where did I put that brain. HEY!


Frigging house zombies! I just had the kitchen fumigated too. House zombies are just about as annoying as their human-sized relatives. Thankfully, they eat all the roaches and mice and are quite easy to dispose of.

At least we know the brain in its untreated state is appetizing to the zombie. Now we move on to the test!


According to the directions, all that is required is a bucket and some water (that's H20 for you scientists out there).

In the spirit of scientific exploration and going where no brain has gone before, I've decided to use my commemorative laboratory-certified Star Trek bucket for this experiment. I do not predict it will have any effect on the results except brain water that may smell faintly of theatre popcorn butter.


The instructions warn not to expect immediate results. In fact, the diagram explains full growth won't be achieved for at least 72 hours. Also, it is important to keep the water below 32 degrees Celsius. Since it was quite hot on the first day, I kept the brain bucket in the fridge for the first day. For the rest of the experiment, I left the brain bucket on the kitchen counter.


Now we play the waiting game.


THE RESULTS -- 72 hours later

Let's see what science has wrought.


It worked! While the claims of 600% may be an exaggeration, the brain has clearly expanded well beyond its original size. It almost fills up the whole circumference of the bucket.

Soggy and having lost some of its colour, the brain is nevertheless substantially larger. QUESTION #1: Will the Brain Expand? Yes! This is confirmed. We now have a working model for an expanding brain. But how does it taste? QUESTION #2: Will Zombies Eat it?

Well, before I had the chance to take measurements, the brain was quickly devoured on the counter top by a small horde of house zombies. I was only able to take the quick snapshot before they scuttled away greedily with hands and mouths full of expanded brain matter.


If we can commission this company to mass produce more growing brains and secure a stable and penetrating distribution system, we will have an easy-to-use and accessible means of solving the zombie food crisis once and for all.

Now, just tell me where to pick up my Nobel Prize.

Eat up, zombies! There's plenty to go around.