August 8, 2009

When Zombies Attack, Who's the Canadian Military Going to Call?

They're going to call The Zed Word zombie blog, apparently!

I attended the Festival of Friends today to help promote the upcoming 2009 Hamilton Zombie Walk and Charity Food Drive. Some of our volunteers dressed up as zombies and we walked the festival grounds to spread the word.

We saw that the Canadian Armed Forces had a recruitment tent set up as well as a military jeep on display. The zombies we brought with us wandered over to pose for pictures with the military, and I had the chance to talk with one of the recruitment representatives.

I asked him what the Canadian military was going to do in the event of a global zombie outbreak, and the representative told me that the armed forces' primary responsibility is to protect Canada. When I asked how they would handle the zombies in Canada, the representative had to ask me how to kill zombies.

They don't know you have to shoot them in the head!

More than slightly disturbed by my country's lack of readiness for the zombie apocalypse, I pushed on and asked how the armed forces would be able to distinguish wounded citizens from the actual zombies. The representative simply turned to me and said that if zombies attack they will call me first. So, I left them my business card.

There you have it, folks. When the dead rise and start to feast on the living, the Canadian Armed Forces is going to send a private chopper to my place and fly me to a secret location where I will be the last best hope for Canada to defeat the zombie menace.

Canada's totally fucked, eh.

(a special thanks to the Canadian Armed Forces representatives who were real good sports and put up with our silly zombie shenanigans)