March 17, 2010

Gore-Met: Zombie Chef from Hell (Review)

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Zombie Chef from Hell (1986)

Directed by Don Swan


1.5/5 zedheads

Look at that poster. Afix your eyes to that title. Does Gore-Met: Zombie Chef from Hell not look like the most gruesome and hilarious film ever transferred to VHS? Well, sorry to burst your bubbles, kiddies. It's not. It's really, really not. Gore-Met is one of the most ridiculous and pointless films I've ever seen. Yet, despite its laughable acting, pointless story, and low production-values, the film was clearly made to be comedic, and a very small glimmer of that comedy shines through even if unintentionally.

Here's the epic story: in 1386 a mysterious Brotherhood of robe-wearing, bare-chested men named Blozor, Lonezor, and Azog are out in a field to put a curse on a former member of their order: Goza (Theo Depuay). Goza is a blasphemer who has tasted human blood and flesh. At least I think that's what he did: a lot of the film's plot is as fuzzy as the video quality. Rather than kill Goza, the Brotherhood curses him with eternal life and the need to consume human flesh or else he will decompose. So, to punish him for eating flesh they condemn him to eat flesh evermore. It's essentially the magical equivalent of catching your kid smoking and then making him smoke an entire carton. Except in this case generations of PEOPLE WILL DIE! Thanks Brotherhood. Glad you're watching humanity's back.

Flash forward to 1986 where Goza has slipped into a bad Hawaiian shirt and opened up a Deli and Beach Club. Incognito as a restaurateur, he kills unsuspecting patrons, eats them, and feeds them to his other customers. Or so we are lead to believe. Although we see a shot of a foot on meat slicer, a few severed legs, and a man who gets his head punched clean-off, leaving behind a neck that squirts blood like a fountain, we don't actually see Goza eat anyone. However, we do get to watch him make a drink called a Slimey Slider from start to finish without cutting away. That's film making!

The Brotherhood are still skulking around though, so Goza's got to watch his back. The rest of the film includes a fight using invisible magic, a glitchy audio track that drowns out the dialog, three or four pieces of music recycled throughout the film, and a last-minute subplot about a returning High Priestess working undercover as a book-stealing librarian. I don't know. Essentially, I've summed up everything you need to know about Gore-met in the following clip: CANNIBAL DANCE PARTAY!

It's obvious that Gore-Met: Zombie Chef from Hell was made with no budget, no time, and no story. The directors and actors don't appear to have shown up in anything else, and the film's presence on IMDB is scant. The whole film is an exercise in padding. Out of its already brisk 70 minutes, about 20 minutes of that is actually plot. The rest is filled up with impromptu dance sequences featuring a few nude girls, a jazzy musical number of "Down to the Boardwalk", shots of people drinking beer, and an extended sequence of someone trying to make a phone call.

I can only hope the filmmakers had fun putting this stinker together. You can tell the movie doesn't take itself too seriously. Jokes about a little person applying for the job of a short-order cook, food puns, and a character who channels Marlon Brando's "Stella!" suggest the movie was meant to be a comedy. However, it's the unintentional laughs that overshadow the intentional ones.

And yes, just like Patton Oswalt jokes in his bit about Deathbed: The Bed that Eats, this film too had Craft Services. Let's all give Betsy Ewing, who is credited for Craft Services, a BIG round of applause for helping this film get made.

Incidentally, she's also credited as a body bag specialist. Take that for what it's worth.

Despite how lame this "film" is, I hope someone remakes it. Seriously, I want to see Gore-Met: Zombie Chef from Hell (2010). But only under one condition. Tom Savini has to direct and play Goza. It's perfect. The original actor for Goza kind of looks like Savini, don't you think?

At least with Tom Savini at the helm, Gore-Met would have some decent effects and some credibility. As it stands, Gore-Met is as outdated and cheesy as Goza's awkward moves on the dance floor (see clip above). But hey, at least it's got an awesome VHS box.

If Gore-Met: Zombie Chef from Hell were food, it would be a a corn dog from 1986. Stale and unappetizing, time has not been kind to it, but it was probably not very good when it was fresh.